When your last parent dies, your childhood is in limbo, frozen in time and space. There's a hole that used to be filled with aggravation, frustration, guilt that you couldn't make things right, love when it seemed there was never enough. A hole so cavernous there is no bottom, a hole around which the turbulence roils, unable to penetrate the emptiness. A hole so dark that the stillness of the night brings such clarity that sleep is elusive and the memory of those final days is relived over and over again.

mom died. so hard, the process. from confronting the truth, having a conversation about it, moving it forward and backward. moving it. and then the zone where nothing makes sense and everything is so hard to accomplish. not to mention that thing called reality. reality, no matter how real it is, becomes so unreal, surreal, even scientific. this + that - this = maintenance.  that - this = that + this = decline. the monitor. the readings. the oxygen, her respiration, her heart rate, her blood pressure, her pulse, her temperature. the morphine, dose after dose, never enough. with a total saturation of ativan, we couldn't make it happen, mom. your heart was beating like a marathon runner when the angel walked in, a hospice nurse turned CIUC nurse, who asked, "do you want me to remove the oxygen?"  the very thought of this with your struggle to breathe, the choking, the 30% lung capacity, scary. but she reassured us the sedation made you comfortable enough. your respiration zero. the oxygen in your blood, zero. your heart, beat, beat, beat more slowly. three hours later, we said goodbye.  we hope it was soon enough, painless enough, transcendent. we hope it was all you wanted it to be, for as much as you could acknowledge or want. but then how can you be a part of it? how can you not?

to the end. we love you.

no work, no play. bedtime at 2 in the afternoon
with that book I wanted to read (even if it's
disappointing) but for the sweetness in
my arms, my birdy, and my lover so close...
there is no room for us now and
this is disturbing. parent, pet, work, life. why the
challenge of leading it, not letting it lead us. i want to close
my eyes, not to escape but to be conscious in
a mindful way. i want to wrap my arms around
my lover and say, how did you ever come to me?
how was this possible? i want to wrap my
arms around my mother and say, I give up. I want to
give her relief, give her a way out.