IMPALA SUICIDE - excerpt
LILA
Pitiful, isn’t it? Although I must admit I would give anything
for a couple of gay guys to make over my man.
SEAN
What man? You don’t have one.
LILA
So? Maybe I’ll get lucky like the fundamentalists and have my share
of vestal boy virgins in the afterlife.
SEAN
It’s just like you to want a virgin. I don’t know how you’re going to
get through this. You haven’t even yet lived.
LILA
That’s a matter of opinion, my friend. I think my life has been very fulfilling.
(stuffs a blini in her mouth)
SEAN
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mean to pass judgment.
LILA
What a crock!
SEAN
No really. I guess I’m feeling kind of guilty for bringing you into this.
I really shouldn’t have.
LILA
I was the one who proposed the pact when we decided to wait until
the Millennium. Don’t you remember? (gets out of the car to make her declaration)
“If injustice prevails, if our country is hijacked by a bunch of mercenaries, if there’s
nowhere to run because we’ve taken over the world, then let’s commit suicide!”
(sticks her head through the car window)
Right?
SEAN
Wrong. As a matter of fact, last time I checked, you wanted to wait until Bush
gets re-elected. Well I’ve been waiting since the Contras in Central America,
since the rapes in Bosnia Herzegovina, since the world trade organization legalized
exploitation, since the casualties in Israel and Palestine, since the atrocities in
Darfur and everyone’s amnesia about the oil pipeline we plan to construct from
Chechnya through Afghanistan and into the Middle East. And now this senseless,
bloody war in Iraq… Pax Americana, baby! I really don’t see the point of waiting
any more.
LILA
Like you said, key GOP contributors own the damn voting machines so to hell
with the outcome.
SEAN
Maybe in their blind quest for world domination those neo-conservative slimebuckets
will botch it. Who knows…maybe we’ll get lucky.
LILA
(defeated) It’ll be too late…too little too late.
SEAN
I suppose you’re right.
LILA
Remember your latest strategy? Bonfire America. That’s what you called it.
Releasing marijuana smoke into the atmosphere… in all the cities and on all
the military bases, through the subways and ventilation systems. One thing’s
for sure. No one gets violent when they’re stoned. In that condition it’s
virtually impossible. You forget things. Your mind drifts. You lose all sense of
purpose. On the other hand, you have these amazing revelations. It’s very
liberating, really. I think your idea is brilliant. You shoulda applied at one of
those think tanks in D.C.
(SOUND of cellphone with a morbid ringer.)
I’m not in the mood for this.
SEAN
Hey! I thought we weren’t supposed to bring them.
LILA
(pulls it out of her purse and looks at the caller I.D.) Uh oh. Hello? (beat) No, ma.
Nothing important... (SEAN grimaces) Feeling better? Good. I was worried when you
said you didn’t want to make brisket tonight. Uh huh. Right. It’s Thursday. I can’t
remember a Thursday in history when you didn’t cook one. I know. Yeah, I know
you’re an old lady. (beat) What do you want from me?!
SEAN
(whispering)
Hang up, hang up, come on. This is your fat chance, your one big opportunity!
LILA
No, ma. I told you. There are plenty of people who’ll eat your delicious brisket.
(dangles the barf bag with a finger down in throat) Don’t be silly. You know I
love your cooking! Ma, would you stop? (SEAN wrestles, trying to grab the cell
phone) Gotta go. Sorry. Call you tomorrow. (hangs up)
SEAN
Liar. Talk about lies. You’re such a liar!
LILA
You know, some day she’s going to die…
SEAN
So? Look at us.
LILA
It's our choice. If you want to know why I brought my cell phone how
else would we inform the media?
SEAN
Like normal people—leave a note.
LILA
Normal? What’s normal? Besides, a note would be anticlimactic. We want exposure.
We want the world to see. We want to wake them up! (collapses from all the
enthusiasm, leans back and closes her eyes. As SEAN leans in for closer inspection…
LILA cracks open one eye)
Don’t go getting sentimental on me.
Pitiful, isn’t it? Although I must admit I would give anything
for a couple of gay guys to make over my man.
SEAN
What man? You don’t have one.
LILA
So? Maybe I’ll get lucky like the fundamentalists and have my share
of vestal boy virgins in the afterlife.
SEAN
It’s just like you to want a virgin. I don’t know how you’re going to
get through this. You haven’t even yet lived.
LILA
That’s a matter of opinion, my friend. I think my life has been very fulfilling.
(stuffs a blini in her mouth)
SEAN
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mean to pass judgment.
LILA
What a crock!
SEAN
No really. I guess I’m feeling kind of guilty for bringing you into this.
I really shouldn’t have.
LILA
I was the one who proposed the pact when we decided to wait until
the Millennium. Don’t you remember? (gets out of the car to make her declaration)
“If injustice prevails, if our country is hijacked by a bunch of mercenaries, if there’s
nowhere to run because we’ve taken over the world, then let’s commit suicide!”
(sticks her head through the car window)
Right?
SEAN
Wrong. As a matter of fact, last time I checked, you wanted to wait until Bush
gets re-elected. Well I’ve been waiting since the Contras in Central America,
since the rapes in Bosnia Herzegovina, since the world trade organization legalized
exploitation, since the casualties in Israel and Palestine, since the atrocities in
Darfur and everyone’s amnesia about the oil pipeline we plan to construct from
Chechnya through Afghanistan and into the Middle East. And now this senseless,
bloody war in Iraq… Pax Americana, baby! I really don’t see the point of waiting
any more.
LILA
Like you said, key GOP contributors own the damn voting machines so to hell
with the outcome.
SEAN
Maybe in their blind quest for world domination those neo-conservative slimebuckets
will botch it. Who knows…maybe we’ll get lucky.
LILA
(defeated) It’ll be too late…too little too late.
SEAN
I suppose you’re right.
LILA
Remember your latest strategy? Bonfire America. That’s what you called it.
Releasing marijuana smoke into the atmosphere… in all the cities and on all
the military bases, through the subways and ventilation systems. One thing’s
for sure. No one gets violent when they’re stoned. In that condition it’s
virtually impossible. You forget things. Your mind drifts. You lose all sense of
purpose. On the other hand, you have these amazing revelations. It’s very
liberating, really. I think your idea is brilliant. You shoulda applied at one of
those think tanks in D.C.
(SOUND of cellphone with a morbid ringer.)
I’m not in the mood for this.
SEAN
Hey! I thought we weren’t supposed to bring them.
LILA
(pulls it out of her purse and looks at the caller I.D.) Uh oh. Hello? (beat) No, ma.
Nothing important... (SEAN grimaces) Feeling better? Good. I was worried when you
said you didn’t want to make brisket tonight. Uh huh. Right. It’s Thursday. I can’t
remember a Thursday in history when you didn’t cook one. I know. Yeah, I know
you’re an old lady. (beat) What do you want from me?!
SEAN
(whispering)
Hang up, hang up, come on. This is your fat chance, your one big opportunity!
LILA
No, ma. I told you. There are plenty of people who’ll eat your delicious brisket.
(dangles the barf bag with a finger down in throat) Don’t be silly. You know I
love your cooking! Ma, would you stop? (SEAN wrestles, trying to grab the cell
phone) Gotta go. Sorry. Call you tomorrow. (hangs up)
SEAN
Liar. Talk about lies. You’re such a liar!
LILA
You know, some day she’s going to die…
SEAN
So? Look at us.
LILA
It's our choice. If you want to know why I brought my cell phone how
else would we inform the media?
SEAN
Like normal people—leave a note.
LILA
Normal? What’s normal? Besides, a note would be anticlimactic. We want exposure.
We want the world to see. We want to wake them up! (collapses from all the
enthusiasm, leans back and closes her eyes. As SEAN leans in for closer inspection…
LILA cracks open one eye)
Don’t go getting sentimental on me.
