Melanie Mitzner
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IMPALA SUICIDE - excerpt

                                                            LILA
                              Pitiful, isn’t it? Although I must admit I would give anything
                              for a couple of gay guys to make over my man.
 
                                                           SEAN
                               What man? You don’t have one.

                                                           LILA
                             So? Maybe I’ll get lucky like the fundamentalists and have my share
                             of vestal boy virgins in the afterlife.

                                                          SEAN
                            It’s just like you to want a virgin. I don’t know how you’re going to
                            get through this. You haven’t even yet lived.

                                                          LILA
                            That’s a matter of opinion, my friend. I think my life has been very fulfilling.
                            (stuffs a blini in her mouth)

                                                         SEAN
                            Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mean to pass judgment.

                                                         LILA
                            What a crock!

                                                         SEAN
                           No really. I guess I’m feeling kind of guilty for bringing you into this.
                           I really shouldn’t have.

                                                        LILA
                          I was the one who proposed the pact when we decided to wait until
                          the Millennium. Don’t you remember? (gets out of the car to make her declaration)
                          “If injustice prevails, if our country is hijacked by a bunch of mercenaries, if there’s
                          nowhere to run because we’ve taken over the world, then let’s commit suicide!”
                          (sticks her head through the car window)
                          Right?
  
                                                       SEAN
                          Wrong. As a matter of fact, last time I checked, you wanted to wait until Bush
                          gets re-elected. Well I’ve been waiting since the Contras in Central America,
                          since the rapes in Bosnia Herzegovina, since the world trade organization legalized
                          exploitation, since the casualties in Israel and Palestine, since the atrocities in
                          Darfur and everyone’s amnesia about the oil pipeline we plan to construct from
                          Chechnya through Afghanistan and into the Middle East. And now this senseless,
                          bloody war in Iraq… Pax Americana, baby! I really don’t see the point of waiting
                          any more.

                                                       LILA
                          Like you said, key GOP contributors own the damn voting machines so to hell
                          with the outcome.

                                                      SEAN
                          Maybe in their blind quest for world domination those neo-conservative slimebuckets
                          will botch it. Who knows…maybe we’ll get lucky.

                                                      LILA
                          (defeated) It’ll be too late…too little too late.

                                                      SEAN
                           I suppose you’re right.

                                                     LILA
                          Remember your latest strategy? Bonfire America. That’s what you called it.
                          Releasing marijuana smoke into the atmosphere… in all the cities and on all
                          the military bases, through the subways and ventilation systems. One thing’s
                          for sure. No one gets violent when they’re stoned. In that condition it’s
                          virtually impossible. You forget things. Your mind drifts. You lose all sense of
                          purpose. On the other hand, you have these amazing revelations. It’s very
                          liberating, really. I think your idea is brilliant. You shoulda applied at one of
                          those think tanks in D.C.
                                         (SOUND of cellphone with a morbid ringer.)
                          I’m not in the mood for this.
                                                      
                                                  SEAN
                          Hey! I thought we weren’t supposed to bring them.

                                                   LILA
                         (pulls it out of her purse and looks at the caller I.D.) Uh oh. Hello? (beat) No, ma.
                         Nothing important... (SEAN grimaces) Feeling better? Good. I was  worried when you
                         said you didn’t want to make brisket tonight. Uh huh. Right. It’s Thursday. I can’t
                         remember a Thursday in history when you didn’t cook one. I know. Yeah, I know
                         you’re an old lady. (beat) What do you want from me?!

                                                SEAN
                                             (whispering)
                         Hang up, hang up, come on. This is your fat chance, your one big opportunity!

                                                  LILA

                         No, ma. I told you. There are plenty of people who’ll eat your delicious brisket.
                         (dangles the barf bag with a finger down in throat) Don’t be silly. You know I
                         love your cooking! Ma, would you stop? (SEAN wrestles, trying to grab the cell
                         phone) Gotta go. Sorry. Call you tomorrow. (hangs up)

                                                SEAN
                         Liar. Talk about lies. You’re such a liar!
                
                                                 LILA
                        You know, some day she’s going to die…

                                              SEAN
                        So? Look at us. 

                                             LILA
                       It's our choice. If you want to know why I brought my cell phone how
                       else would we inform the media?

                                             SEAN
                       Like normal people—leave a note.

                                             LILA
                       Normal? What’s normal? Besides, a note would be anticlimactic. We want exposure.
                       We want the world to see. We want to wake them up! (collapses from all the
                       enthusiasm, leans back and closes her eyes.  As SEAN leans in for closer inspection…
                       LILA cracks open one eye)
                       Don’t go getting sentimental on me.

    

 
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